2005 - Satan will kill us all and eat our eyes

We're a little peeved at The Star today. It seems that the paper couldn't contain itself anymore and quickly got on top of the researcher who discovered some really old city in Johor, looked him in the eye and said "Baby, I'm gonna make you scream like a little schoolgirl" and immediately shoved its gigantic, engorged media cock into him. He let out a yelp as he felt the sharp pain raced through his body but as it subsided into pleasure, he moaned softly and relaxed. The Star pushed him down and kept humping and whispered to him, "Oh yeah, you like that? Huh, you like that? Urghhh God!".

The paper also gets into the spirit of the Chinese New Year by interviewing "an eminent Yijing scholar" for some advice on what will the new year bring us. We don't know what the hell Yijing is, so don't bother asking. He has this gem: "Be a good citizen and obey the law" since according to him, this hexagram thingy shows that authorities will be "punishing and locking up criminals and law offenders". Gee, who would've thought! All these years we've been thinking, Hell, let's kill our neighbours. It's not like the police will do anything about it. Thanks to this guy, we now know police will catch you if you break the law. We know, we're so stoopid.

This scholar is totally psychic, you guys. He also predicts the stock market will be full of risks, Malaysia will rely on petroleum business, the sky is blue and the grass is green. Oh, and stock up on the Xanax. Apparently, later in the new year we can expect El Nino, La Nina, avian flu, dengue, cholera, diarrhoea, measles and hand, foot and mouth diseases and the Armageddon. Nostradamus would love to hump this guy.