Not so merry Christmas and looks like a sucky New Year

I tried to be sensitive when thousands of people died in the tsunami recently but when children immediately burst into tears and yelling "Mummy, make Britney go away!!" after seeing me about town with red eyes and mascara streaks all down my face, I thought, fuck it. I didn't spend years of therapy for this. This is like high school all over again. I can't help it, I'm a bitch that way.

With my shrink on vacation and hence, no magical pills to make this ache in my heart go away, I logged on to this newfangled world-wide-interweb thingy in the hope that I would stumble upon news reporting that celebuskanks Paris and Lindsay Lohan were in Indonesia when the tsunami hit. No luck; besides I remembered that Lindsay has her own with-the-help-of-surgery flotation device and Paris just needed to lift her skirt and spread her legs to save themselves. Then I found this:

Wtf?? What are you trying to tell us, William? That you're gay and have a Down syndrome?

'Tis the season

Merry Christmas y'all! Here's to hoping that male relative of yours doesn't invite you to the study room and start getting frisky. Cheers!

Football player teases the nation

I am giddy with anticipation (or the crystal meth; it's hard to tell) when the football player who sent a text to his future wife on the day of their wedding to cancel it hinted that there may be more to it than meets the eye and he will reveal all when their case goes to court. Is he gay? Was he trying to do a Jenna Lewis but the future bride didn't agree? Oh, I so can't wait. To calm ourselves in the meantime, maybe Kak Pah can file another round of police reports on everyone in the entertainment industry. I know you want to, Kak Pah.

"Clubs" indeed

A new TV show called Boy's Club will be making its debut tonight on the terrestrial channel ntv7. As you can guest - if you're not too busy self-medicating and seeing God and Elvis in heaven - the show is about things that big boys (read: mid 40's) like. No, beside the Olsens. Things like cars and sports and gadgets. But with an accompanying photo like this in the only paper that cares to run the story, you can bet that ratings will plummet so fast people will think ntv7 suffers from a malfunctioned wardrobe:

Way to piss your target demographics off, man. They can barely keep it up even with half a dozen Viagras.

You mean we don't actually suck at sports??

Malaysians just can't take all the flooding and deaths anymore and decided to pop the Ritalins simultaneously and hump our football players after they managed to defeat Thailand, the defending champions in the Tiger Cup football (that's soccer to you, Americans) tournament. Yeah, I don't know it exists either. The reason I even care is that this morning I had to endure a conversation on the radio between the DJ and a guy who spoke hesitant English with British slang. Oh, the humanity. But, staying true to what makes us Malaysians, expect our players to lose in the next round.

Don't drop the soap, Kak Pah

The guys in the Malaysian press's bukkake couldn't hold it any longer and promptly ejaculated on a blow-up doll of Sharifah Aini lying on the floor after knowing that she was charged with that messy business of writing a hate mail about Siti Nurhaliza several months back. Well Kak Pah, at least you're familiar with "bruises" and "injections". I'm sure that'll help to stifle the screams when the prison's alpha dyke tries to get to know you better.