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Dear beloved readers (lazy readers who never write anything in the Comments, but beloved nevertheless),
As I'll be away getting tortured in a boot camp (I'm gonna love it; S&M is so fun!) I won't be blogging for the next 30 days or so. When you cut yourselves every evening, think of me, okay? Love you much!
xoxo
Azlan
The New Straits Times posed this question to us regarding the shooting of a male model recently: Was it a robbery bid which went awry, attempted murder or a case of mistaken identity? Our answer: When "jealousy or revenge" is involved, it's always the Gay Mafia.
But we're a bit confused here. The model "pounced on the gunman", disarmed him, picked up the gun and "pistol-whipped" him "repeatedly"? Aren't models supposed to be skinny and weak (from the bullimia, silly)? Who the hell will be our ideal version of perfection now???
We rolled our eyes when Britney of Truth had to cancel her 2004 tour because of a "knee injury". We've used that trick once when no one wanted to come to our concerts too. But we didn't actually go file a claim with our insurance companies! That would be, like, a real injury y'all!! Now our barefoot-loving Brit is suing her insurance companies for rejecting her injury claim. The British companies cited Britney's failure to inform them of her previous "knee surgery" as the reason for rejecting her claim. Well, of course she forgot about that little operation. If our "knee surgery" somehow made our boobs bigger, we'd be confused too. Fussy insurance people.
We're a little peeved at The Star today. It seems that the paper couldn't contain itself anymore and quickly got on top of the researcher who discovered some really old city in Johor, looked him in the eye and said "Baby, I'm gonna make you scream like a little schoolgirl" and immediately shoved its gigantic, engorged media cock into him. He let out a yelp as he felt the sharp pain raced through his body but as it subsided into pleasure, he moaned softly and relaxed. The Star pushed him down and kept humping and whispered to him, "Oh yeah, you like that? Huh, you like that? Urghhh God!".
The paper also gets into the spirit of the Chinese New Year by interviewing "an eminent Yijing scholar" for some advice on what will the new year bring us. We don't know what the hell Yijing is, so don't bother asking. He has this gem: "Be a good citizen and obey the law" since according to him, this hexagram thingy shows that authorities will be "punishing and locking up criminals and law offenders". Gee, who would've thought! All these years we've been thinking, Hell, let's kill our neighbours. It's not like the police will do anything about it. Thanks to this guy, we now know police will catch you if you break the law. We know, we're so stoopid.
This scholar is totally psychic, you guys. He also predicts the stock market will be full of risks, Malaysia will rely on petroleum business, the sky is blue and the grass is green. Oh, and stock up on the Xanax. Apparently, later in the new year we can expect El Nino, La Nina, avian flu, dengue, cholera, diarrhoea, measles and hand, foot and mouth diseases and the Armageddon. Nostradamus would love to hump this guy.
The makers of American Idol, the talent show guilty of producing the singing sensation that looks like that cousin of yours who always drools and poops in his pants, William Hung is suing a Peruvian TV company for "imitating" it. Hmm, we're kinda confused here. After all, they are and have been shows like American Idol on TV before. Then we read on and find out that the Americans feel their copyright is infringed when the Peruvians include "two supportive judges and a caustic one" in their show. So people's personalities can be copyrighted now? No wonder Malaysian Idol had to have the requisite "caustic" judge in the show. It's the format, stupid! But Paul Moss, darling, don't try so hard, ok? It made you look like you wanted so much to be Simon Cowell. You know, just like a confused teenage boy wanting to be a girl so much he wears a bra?
